The COVID reality has set in, and it sucks
Renee Diaz
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The last 10 months finally caught up to me in December, and I was over everything. I was tired of being a small business owner and dreamed of having a normal Monday – Friday job with paid vacation and a boss. I was tired of having to make decisions for other people and being responsible for their livelihoods. I resented how customers felt they could talk to us, or what they would complain about as a customer, because we are doing the best we can. I felt the more I tried to be a thoughtful and caring boss, the less it was reciprocated. The drive and passion I had to beat the odds stacked against small businesses due to the havoc COVID-19 has caused was starting to diminish.
Since March, I had to put my best foot forward and go straight into survival mode, like most other small businesses. There was a time where our business actually did better during quarantine, and I had better control on costs and spending. I was lucky enough to receive the Paycheck Protection Program loan, which allowed me to not stress over being able to pay my employees and rent for six months. But all seemingly good things come to an end, and reality always sets in. Being a small business owner is the loneliest experience I have ever had, and it made me start to wonder if I was really cut out for this.
It was only a matter of time until I had an employee test positive at work for COVID-19. With a positive test, anxiety was high at our shop. Most of the kitchen staff did not want to return to work until they got tested, and even though I have to respect their decision, it was a difficult pill to swallow. Without a kitchen staff, we had to close our business for three days and refund more than 30 orders. Test results, because of the increase in cases, were coming back between two and six days, but it took multiple days for them to even get an appointment.
Everything, including more custom orders, were up in the air about the next week. The financial ramifications of having to close for three days and refund so many orders was daunting. We had been slow since Thanksgiving and were finally having a busy week. I was mad, upset, confused and defeated. I was embarrassed having to call so many people and cancel on them, pretty much last minute. Everyone, with the exception of one person, was understanding. But it didn’t take away what I felt. It was in these moments, after looking at my bank account, I saw nine years of hard work slipping through my fingers.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am an emotional person. I invest in my employees and their lives, truly caring about who they are outside of the four walls they work in. But, I had to face the facts that my business is not their business. My employees can only care so much, but they will never understand the pressure that looms over me like a cloud. They will never fully grasp the concept of losing tens of thousands of dollars in a three-day period and knowing making payroll the following week will be a long shot, let alone bills. They didn’t sign up to max out their line of credit or have sleepless nights wondering how we will make it through this. It most likely did not dawn on them to check in on me to see how I was handling having to close down. They probably appreciate having a few extra days off knowing they will still get a paycheck the following week. They appreciate the nice things I do for them, but this is their job, not their livelihood. To them, when they clock out, work is over. For me, work is never over.
I do not know what this year will bring. Others I have spoken to seem to think there is a silver lining, and a glimmer of hope for all of us. I hope this is true. I hope all the pain and hurt my fellow business owners are experiencing turns into a period of success and comfort, so that we can all build ourselves up again. Things have been heavy for a while now. I am going to allow myself to feel all of these feelings so that when the time comes, I can be grateful for getting through all of this with my head held high. I know that this too shall pass.
Renee Diaz is the owner of The Queen's Cups bakery in Worcester.
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